The Christmas Taliban

Surprised by the title? Well so were we by the little beasts that were set out to suck our precious European blood (in fact ANY blood that came into proximity) in the Andean forests of Patagonia at Christmas. We were vastly outnumbered but we won. Not because we beat them, but because we had a reliable little steel horse (our luxury Chevrolet Corsa) we could jump into and escape.

We were warned. We can’t say we were not. But still. Nothing can prepare you and we were not prepared either. Tabanos are horse flies (the type that like to suck your blood) and when I say horse, I mean it. The size of the beasts is around 1.5 inches (4 centimetres). That is big for an insect. And when they circle around your head and your whole body by the dozen, this is an understatement. Circling would be nice, but they actually want to land and land they do, dear padawans. They also have stingers that go through your clothes. Now I think everyone will understand the title as I decided to call tabanos Los Talibanos. These beasts are relentless terrorists.

We had our first taste during our first day and we thought we have seen it all. We couldn’t have been more wrong. But it all seemed so merry in the beginning. We jumped into the steel horse in the morning and drove off south on Route 40. We were very much amazed as the road was paved (according to Lonely Planet most of it is not) and we drove through amazing terrain. We were in the “yeah, South America tall tales, now we caught you, you’re all lies and we’re having fun” mood. Then we arrived at the gravel road off Ruta 40. It seemed alright in the beginning.

But that was just the beginning. Since it was 30 degrees at that point in time, we thought this would be a great time to test whether our stuff is really waterproof. I mean I believe anything I see these days on labels but still... nothing beats real life testing. So we did and our things seemed waterproof. Also, in the meantime we met some tabanos but thought “what the hell” and hushed them off. Those were happy times, but we knew nothing. So we jumped back onto the steel horse and drove off on the gravel that turned worse and worse as the kilometres went by. We decided not to notice but still, something was changing for sure.

I think the change hit us full force when we got out of the car to take a look at the Black Glacier. I’ll be honest: I could not concentrate on the glacier because I had to fight for my dear life. Tabanos were everywhere. They arrived out of nowhere by the dozens and multiplied their numbers exponentially by the minute. They were around me, on me, about to land on me, they were trying to sting me, some managed, some did not, but my existence turned into one big try at hushing off the biting bastards who would not care because they needed my blood just as much as I needed them to get off me. I would love to tell some heroic tales but I hate to lie so I need to admit I fled back into the steel horse.

The only time we had some (and I mean some, they were still around) rest was after our little forest hike up to a waterfall. We sat down at a picnic ground, had our sandwiches and needed to ward off tabanos only every 10 seconds. That was quite a relief compared to the situations above. Some might think that I’m joking but I’m not... tabanos are a real threat and anyone thinking of hiking in Northern Patagonia from December to February should count on their presence. Nothing can ward them off. Once again: NOTHING. So it is your choice: you can decide to live with them or you can escape and come back before December or after February. THAT is the truth and if anyone tells you otherwise, they are lying and they have never seen these beasties.

Since all my stories have a positive ending (sorry, I’m a hopeless optimist), this one ended good, too. We escaped the insect terrorists, drove back to Bariloche where we grilled our prime Argentinean beef bought especially for Christmas. We also drank quite a lot of nice local Malbec while looking at the 10pm sunshine over the lake and we decided that despite everything this was an amazing Christmas Eve.